Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Missing Mom

I wanted to post a picture here but don't have one in this computer. Her face is still very sharp in my mind after 6 years of her absence. I miss her every single day. I still have those three second thoughts "I've gotta call Mom and tell her..." and then the reality sets in again. Our lives have totally changed since she lived with us, or since she made that big step and moved her home up to Snohomish County to be nearer to us and to help Dave and I with our family. I don't agree with Hillary and her "it takes a village" but it sure helps if you've got a Mom on your side. I wonder how I ever would have made it through the teen years three times without having her support. I knew that our lives would have to change totally before I could ever make it after loosing her on February 3rd, 2003. So, just one month later we moved from Lake Stevens and the home we shared with her to Marysville. The first two years were the most difficult of my life. For the previous two years I had a purpose to my life, and that was to make her's as comfortable as possible under the circumstances and to help her fight her disease. We talked, we laughed, we made funeral plans, we cried, we remembered and there were many revelations. I wouldn't trade that two years for any two in my lifetime. But the next two were pretty bad. But despite myself, I made it through. I made a lot of bad choices in that time but nothing that left permanent scars. But I know that even in the lowest of lows that God was with me and helped me through.

If I could leave my kids with even half of the affection and respect that my mother has left with me, then I feel like I would have accomplished something in my life. I had the pleasure of her presence for the last 20 years of her life and in the last two months of her life I saw how totally pure her heart was. I can aspire to that, but don't think I'll ever make it. I miss her now and I'll miss her forever.

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